January 18, 2010
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Exceptional Rules
I inadvertently joked that 2009 started for me with a cat and a girlfriend, and ended with 2 cats and 2 girlfriends. Neither of those feats were planned – like much of my life, no matter what I did, or how much I thought I was in control of things, I was reminded that I am a mere pawn in this chess game.
So what happened? Well, Joanne re-entered my life in October, and we chatted a little on MSN for a few weeks, and she was totally aware that I was dating, and that Claire and I were serious about each other. After having talked for several weeks though, she asked if I wanted to maybe go out for a drink or something. I was not sure – to be honest, although I wanted closure from our relationship before, I did not know how I would react to seeing her again. After some deliberation though, I agreed, and the date got rearranged a couple of times, and ended up being in December.
I arrived at the restaurant and she was there already – tardiness seems to be my friend at the moment, thanks to not getting out of work at a decent hour! – and I sat down opposite her. At that point we just carried on from where we had left off, three years previously, and talked through the break up, talked through the future, talked about my relationship. It was a pleasant evening, and we agreed to go out again after she got back from her business trip to Philippines.
Just before Christmas we got together once more, and had dinner, and it was at this point where we both realized perhaps that there was more to this than just friendship. Magic was there, sparks were there. Those old feelings, the chemistry… they never died per se, they just got hidden in a box, in a cupboard, locked away, but together, somehow, we re-opened the cupboard, took the lid off the box, and that was it. We had reached the point of no return.
We talked about how things could be between us we talked about IF we got back together then would she run away again? Could I trust her again? Would I be out for revenge? Take her back in to my life and play her? Were we going to deny the depth of emotions, the magic between us? How could we ignore the fact that despite (and perhaps even because of) everything that had happened over the last 5 years, we still essentially love and adore each other?
I knew though that I had a decision to make – and very soon. Because of the deal with the new house, because I did not want to play anyone around. Joanne said I should take my time – she understood it. But the decision was the easiest one – the difficult bit was how to tell Claire. And this was made more difficult – yet at the same time easier – by the passing away of Claire’s father.
Claire then spent time with her family, which gave me time to spend with Joanne. Insensitive? Perhaps. Selfish? Definitely. But you have to remember in matters of the heart, you have to follow what you feel is right. Before Joanne came back in to my life, things were fine between Claire and me, but that one thing changed it all. Right down to the last detail, and I could not deny that my heart had never truly fallen out of love with Joanne.
So a week ago it all came to a head – I had asked the apartment company to change the name of the owner, and they inadvertently spilled the beans. To not go in to too fine a detail, I had to bring forward the day of telling Claire – I had planned to do it at the weekend, but this was no longer possible. My timing – as usual – was terrible, but I told her the truth – that I love Joanne. I am truly sorry for breaking her heart, and for misusing her trust in me. It was not the way I am generally.
But in usual form, I am looking towards the future now with renewed optimism – Joanne and I are happy together, and my heart is happier than it has ever been, even before. It was a chance I could not let up, and one I grabbed with both hands. It reminded me of something I once heard…
Love is like a bird. Let it out of the cage… you have to set it free. If the bird comes back to you, then it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t come back, then it was never yours.
