Several months later, I came straight home from school, something that I
would not do normally. But the day had been especially tiring and I wanted
to read in my room. I had in some way become used to Cao Ping not being
around for me to study with and I needed some relief from the rut to which I
had become accustomed. Xi Ghong was in the living room with a man, many
years younger than himself, but fatter and balder. They were talking quietly
when I walked in, and then they noticed me, and the talking stopped
completely.
The visitor was very surprised to see a Caucasian walk into the place,
unannounced and it was obvious that this was a business deal. Not only had I
never seen the man before, but Xi Ghong had clearly also not told him
anything about me. Most people in Chinatown in Singapore knew of me, and
had grown used to seeing me walk the streets, with or without Cao Ping.
For a moment I was unsure of what to do – should I make my apologies and
walk out, pretending it had not happened or greet Xi Ghong? I decided that I
would just say hello and go to my room. If that caused any ruffle then it was
something I had to risk – after all, I needed to do my homework in my room.
It is not customary in Chinese culture to introduce people and I was not
expecting Xi Ghong to say anything to me at all – he merely acknowledged
my presence and waited for me to leave to my room.
Once in my room, I lit some incense and opened the window on to a dark,
rainy Singapore afternoon. The cool air and the smells of Chinatown wafted
into my room, mixing with the pungent incense. The sounds of the cars from
nearby as well as the market vendors and their customers brought in some
atmosphere. I wanted to listen to Xi Ghong and his conversation with the
stranger but I tried to suppress my curiosity. There was no way I was going
to get away with listening to their conversation, as they were still talking
quietly, even more so with the knowledge that I was there, but then I heard
Mei-Lee come home. I opened my door and went to help her with the
groceries. It was Tuesday and Mei-Lee would always head down to the
fisherman’s wharf to find some fresh seafood for dinner and usually she too
would be late home, but not today.
The look that Mei-Lee gave the stranger when she saw him was icy, although
she put on a neutral face when talking with him and Xi Ghong. I washed the
vegetables and chopped the garlic and ginger for Mei-Lee whilst she packed
some other groceries away.
Within a couple of minutes, the stranger was leaving, saying goodbye to Xi
Ghong and Mei-Lee, but ignoring me on the way out. I guess I was used to
that.
Dinner that evening was a very quiet affair. Xi Ghong knew that he had been
caught red-handed and had no way of wriggling out of it. He kept his eyes
very firmly on the bowl of seafood noodles that Mei-Lee and I had prepared.
Mei-Lee knew better than to talk about this kind of issue with me present and
I knew that my curiosity would have a second chance to find out what the
discussion had been about.
I was not disappointed. As soon as Xi Ghong had finished, I got up to get his
whisky. It had become so much like clockwork that I almost had no idea
what to do when he said he was not drinking any tonight. I put the bottle
down and said good night to the two of them, knowing my physical presence
was no longer required.
I closed my door, lit a couple of candles and burned some incense, leaning as
close to the door as I could to listen in on the ongoing discussion. Mei-Lee
was very upset at the fact that this man had visited her house and Xi Ghong
was not going to get away with it.
“Why did he come here?” Mei-Lee asked. “What did he want?”
Xi Ghong knew better than to ignore the question and so opened up.
“He needs a contact at the Singapore Bank of Trade and Commerce. You
know that when we moved here from the mainland that we could not leave it
behind, that we would have to pay for our safe passage here. The payments
may never end Mei-Lee. We may have to return favours forever.
You know that we had to move quickly to evade the Japanese when they
invaded our homeland. Money alone was never going to be enough for those
who offered us a safe route to Singapore.”
“We gave them all our money, all our belongings. That’s enough Xi Ghong,"
Mei-Lee told him icily. "We cannot go on forever – we have been out of the
Mainland for a long time. This has to end. Tell them that this is the last
payment. Tell them that we have given enough.”
There was a long pause and I wondered if Xi Ghong had left. But there was
no noise whatsoever. Still, I was not going to risk going out, not even under
the pretence of needing some water, so I crawled into my bed and wondered
what to make of what I had just heard. A contact at the Singapore Bank of
Trade and Commerce? That was where Cao Ping’s father worked. I
shuddered with nerves, a bad feeling creeping across my mind.
The next morning, I got up early and went to the market to get some eggs
so that I could make breakfast for Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee. For the first time
ever, when I opened my door I saw Xi Ghong sleeping in his chair, the empty
bottle of Chivas Regal on the table next to him with Mei-Lee nowhere to be
seen. I looked around for her, but she was not in the apartment.
I went up to take the bottle and Xi Ghong immediately woke up, taking me
by surprise, and looked alert as if he had had a full night’s sleep.
“Good morning Xi Ghong”, I said.
He smiled and it was a warm smile. This
surprised me even more, after the events of last night. I was confused as to
what had happened – I had hazarded some guesses during the night and it
was obviously an issue that went back many years, back on the mainland.
I decided not to ask where Mei-Lee was – chances were that he had slept
through her leaving and she was out buying eggs for our breakfast. But when
the time arrived for me to leave and go to school, there was still no sign of
her. Xi Ghong did not look worried, but I was certain he was at least a little
concerned.
At school, I found Cao Ping alone, sitting on the bench underneath some bare
trees. I looked at her and although she was looking directly at me, it was
obvious she did not see me, or recognise me.
“Cao Ping. What is the matter?” I asked.
She snapped out of her trance and was genuinely surprised to see me.
“I did not sleep well,” she offered as an excuse. I smiled and asked her what
was wrong. She also had problems at home and she told me that her parents
were arguing more and more. Her father seemed to be spending more and
more time in the office and her parents seemed to be drifting further apart.
Suddenly I thought that the problems that Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee had to face
were small in comparison and it was then that I saw a small bruise on her
arm. I reached a conclusion that I did not like and felt anger inside me, which
I had to try so hard to keep from bubbling over. I breathed deeply a couple
of times and asked her how it had happened, fearing the worst.
Cao Ping did not want to tell me – instead she looked towards the ground
and kept her eyes away from mine. I gently took her hand and I saw a tear
drop from her eye. At that point, I knew what heartbreak was. I was
devastated and so many emotions flowed through my young body, that I felt
almost as if I was an adult.
“Your father?” I asked, although I already knew the answer.
Cao Ping just nodded and cried some more. I decided the risk outweighed the
consequences, so I took her in my arms and she cried on my shoulder, tears
flowing so hard that I almost felt as though they would never stop.
“It’s not your fault Cao Ping,” I told her softly.
Our intimate moment was interrupted by the bell, telling us that school was
to start. Cao Ping wiped her eyes and we both made our way in to the
classroom. Teacher was already writing Chinese characters on the blackboard
by the time we arrived, and when she had finished, she turned around to
greet the class.
“Good morning teacher,” we replied in unison. It was a ritual that had been
drilled into us since our first day at school and had become a phrase that was
chanted without passion and feeling by now.
Whatever teacher said during the lesson, I did not hear it. So many thoughts
were in my mind, and it raced. What was the history behind Xi Ghong and
Mei-Lee’s arrival in Singapore? Where had Mei-Lee disappeared to? What was
happening to Cao Ping’s family? But most of all, I pondered what on earth
possessed a man to hit his child? Whatever frustration a man has from his
life, he has no right to take it out on his child, especially not his daughter
who is top of her class and gives her father every reason to be proud. I could
not believe that her father would hit her, but the bruises told no lies. Cao
Ping’s tears were real tears, the fabric of my shirt still damp from where her
tears had fallen.
I looked over at Cao Ping and could see also that she was far from able to
concentrate. It was the first time that I had seen her this way and I had
absolutely no idea how to react to this. Now, more than ever, I detested the
way her father treated her, treated us. I had never done anything to him,
except be a Caucasian. That had never been my choice, but my fate was
sealed.
That afternoon, I watched from the safe vantage point behind a tree as Cao
Ping was picked up by her father. I felt nothing but contempt for the man as
the rear door closed and Cao Ping vanished from my sight. As the car drove
away, my anger subsided, but not enough for me to be able to go home and
concentrate on my homework. I decided to go to a temple, and ask for
guidance from Buddha and the spirits.
The mid-afternoon brought some more rain showers, but I did not mind
getting wet. It was all a part of life in equatorial Singapore. As suddenly as it
had begun, the rain subsided and the peninsular was back to its usual sticky
and humid self. By the time I had reached the temple in the Dragon Gardens,
I had walked through three rain showers, but I did not feel wet, although I
undoubtedly was.
I took off my shoes, lit some incense and went inside. The dank smells of wet
cloth mixed with the pungent incense smoke, all very familiar to me in truth.
It was then that I saw her – a very attractive but alarmingly thin Chinese girl
– about the same age as me – doing her bai bai in front of the large, gold
statue of Buddha.
Instead of continuing with my ritual, I sat down on the bench to meditate
just a little, so as not to disturb her. She was very meticulous about her
prayers and her accent sounded as though it came from somewhere other
than Singapore - maybe Malaysia, I thought. She certainly did not dress like
a Singaporean girl, nor did she talk like one even though she was chanting in
Mandarin.
When she had finished, she turned around and saw me, startled just a little
to see a non-Chinese there, but she managed to compose herself and say
“Ning hao”, very mainland talk.
I smiled and returned the greeting in Singapore Mandarin and went back to
my own prayers, concentrating on finding answers to all of my questions,
hoping that there would be some guidance for me, some spiritual answer to
help me find some happiness and peace for those I loved, Mei-Lee and Xi
Ghong, Cao Ping and her family. And of course, guidance also for myself.
When I had prayed as much and as hard as I could, I stepped out of the
temple and the thin, pretty girl was sitting outside, in the dark. Curiosity
overcame me and I went to her to ask what she was doing. It seemed very
strange to me that a girl would be alone in the Dragon Gardens on her own
in the dark and whereas Lion City, indeed the whole island of Singapore, is
very safe, it was still an unusual sight.
She told me her name was Li Ying, and that she came from Yunnan, a
province in Mainland China. After she had overcome her surprise that a
Caucasian could speak Mandarin, she opened up a lot and told me many
stories about how she had left with her mother to come to Singapore. Her
mother was now very ill, and their family could not afford to visit the doctor,
they did not even have enough money for medicine.
I asked her to take me to her mother, so that I could see for myself. I maybe
did not know anything near as much as a doctor did, but I could still possibly
see what was wrong. When we arrived at their shack, it was obvious why she
was ill – all the food that they had was enough for one person only and that
was Li Ying.
Their shack was several blocks away from where I lived with Xi Ghong and
Mei-Lee and it made us look as though we lived in the lap of luxury by
comparison. I took Li Ying to the market and bought a chicken, the
stallholder wringing its neck in front of us, as well as some vegetables, rice
and some herbs and spices. We took the food together to the small, damp
hut that was Li Ying’s home and got a small fire going. It was enough to
make a soup with the food we had just bought, and Li Ying started to feed
her mother.
I had never heard of anyone starving in Singapore, yet here was hunger right
on my doorstep. For me it was a complete shock. I knew that I was not rich,
not like my biological father, but I never had felt true hunger. Memories of
the Vietnamese in Hong Kong flooded back to me and I thought of Cao Ping.
How I wanted to be with her, how I wanted her to help, because without her
I felt lost.
Li Ying and her mother were genuinely full of appreciation and when I left, Li
Ying and I arranged to meet again a few days later. My impulsiveness would
have taken me directly to Cao Ping to talk with her and share this important
new part of my life, but I knew that I had to keep it to myself, at least for the
evening. I decided it was time to go home and see if Mei-Lee had returned. I
wondered about their conversation from the previous evening, the strange
man from the mainland and what had happened to Mei-Lee this morning.
There were so many questions floating around my head, but no answers.
When I opened the door to our apartment, Mei-Lee was sitting, watching the
Singapore news on the TV. She appeared calm, as if nothing had happened,
but there was no sign of Xi Ghong. When she saw me, she smiled and
welcomed me home. I boiled some water so that we could drink jasmine tea.
It was getting close to the time that we would usually eat dinner, but there
was no food prepared, so I asked if I should make something. Before she
could answer, Xi Ghong walked in the door, looking almost ashamed.
“Yes Fu Yun – that would be nice,” Mei-Lee said, ignoring Xi Ghong for the
moment.
I checked what we had in the apartment, and decided to make a hot-sour
soup and some Chinese sausage, rice and braised cabbage. Whilst I was
preparing dinner, there was a chill in the room where Mei-Lee and Xi Ghong
were. There was not a sound coming from them, but they needed no words.
It was obviously embarrassing for Xi Ghong and I was glad to be out of their
way.
By the time I had the meal ready, Xi Ghong had left our home once more. He
had said nothing upon leaving, but Mei-Lee and I ate, saying nothing, as if
everything was normal. But I could sense she was fuming inside and
although she was the calmest person I knew, I could tell she was close to
losing her cool. She could tell I wanted to know what was going on and so
after our dinner, when we were clearing up together, she told me the story of
how they had arrived in Singapore.
In 1937 the Japanese invaded mainland China, and took over most of the
main cities there, including their home – and Capital for Chiang Kai-Shek’s
KMT party – Shanghai. Although they were far from affluent, they did hold a
fairly high post in the city’s administration and were among the first to be
searched out by the invading Japanese forces.
They had heard of the atrocities at Nanjing and wanted to get out of China to
escape persecution and possible torture. Many thousands had been murdered
and tortured in the “Rape of Nanjing” and Xi Ghong was very concerned for
the welfare of his family.
They had to find a safe passage out of China and were assisted by a group of
resistance mercenaries, for a very high price of 20,000 Yuan. Xi Ghong did
not have access to that full amount and so an alternative was negotiated. Xi
Ghong ended up paying 12,000 Yuan and swore an oath to provide both
information and favours where he settled.
A series of contacts and passwords was organised and so they made the
potentially deadly trek from Shanghai to the south of mainland China, across
the border in to Vietnam and into hiding. They stayed for several months in
Vietnam, moving house every few weeks to make sure that the Japanese
would not find them, living in squalid conditions. They were made to stay
indoors during daylight hours, “to be safe from spies” they were told and
never stayed in the same town for more than three months.
When the Japanese surrendered and their troops were withdrawn from
Malaya and the peninsular of Singapore in 1945, it was deemed too risky at
that time to take them directly back to Shanghai, and so Xi Ghong and Mei-
Lee were led across the border from Vietnam in to Thailand, down through
Malaya and in to Lion City. They were provided with papers and Xi Ghong
was able to start work in one of the restaurants in Chinatown. He was told to
keep a low profile for the next few years, due to the instability in the region.
The end of the Second World War brought a return in Mainland China of the
civil war, which had seen the two opposing sides unite temporarily against
the forces of the invading Japanese forces. By 1949, the Communists had
taken full control of Mainland China, with the Kuo Ming Tang party of Chiang
Kai Shek forced into exile on the island of Taiwan.
With no influence in Singapore and struggling to survive, Xi Ghong had no
way to take his family to Formosa and so was frustrated at having lost his
prestigious place in society and being alone in Singapore. He felt a lot of
pressure at having to support his family, and within months slid in to a
depression and became suicidal. That was when my father had found him
and taken him under his wing.
As a member of the wealthy and highly influential Mason household, Xi
Ghong’s stature became almost legendary within the Chinese community in
Singapore and after several years he once again found his status as one of
the more prominent citizens. Xi Ghong was instrumental in bringing to an
end some of the racial riots that occurred in Chinese Singaporean middle
high schools in 1956. He had even played a minor role – as an advisor - in
gaining Singapore’s independence from Malaya in 1965, just two years after
having merged with its northern neighbour.
So Xi Ghong had fallen from a position of status, and, with a hand from fate,
had risen once more but with this new-found influence came voices from the
past to haunt him. Those who had aided his escape from the Mainland now
returned to collect on the promise of assistance.
Not only was money exchanged, but minor political favours were also
requested occasionally. Mei-Lee had accepted it all, but now they had been in
Singapore for almost forty years and she felt that they had re-paid their debt
in full. All she wanted now was quiet – she was getting old, she told me, and
she craved a peaceful existence here.
The man who had visited the household yesterday was a part of the
organisation that had assisted Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee escape the Japanese,
and eventually led them to Singapore.
I was rapt by this whole story that Mei-Lee emotionally told me. It explained
many things to me, and I had never known her so open. Maybe I had caught
her at a vulnerable moment but I was not pushing her for information –
although I had so many questions, I kept them all to myself. Mei-Lee’s voice
was quiet - almost as if she was talking to herself, and I got the feeling that
this had been building up inside her for many years. She needed to release
it, and I was all too eager to lap it up.
I was about to get doing my homework when Xi Ghong returned. Without
saying a word, I went to my room, leaving Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee to sort out
their issues. It had been instilled in me to know when my presence was not
required, and anyway I had more than enough troubles keeping up with the
pace at school.
Over the course of the week Cao Ping and I managed to get some time
alone, and in bits and pieces I told her Mei-Lee’s story. Cao Ping was -
needless to say – totally astonished. She had also never heard of Mei-Lee
being so forthcoming with information. We sat in silent thoughts for a while,
slurping on our bowls of instant noodles over lunch. All of a sudden, Cao Ping
just smiled at me and gave my hand a tender squeeze. Immediately my
heart lifted and I could see Cao Ping was feeling better. Even though her
father beat her fairly regularly, she knew that my own beatings were
becoming less and less frequent. I still did not know what the recent problem
with her father was all about and it was obvious to me that Cao Ping did not
want to talk about it but she knew that I was always there for her, no matter
what. We had an unconditional relationship, and there were things that never
needed to be said – we just knew.
Because of Mei-Lee’s revelations, I had completely forgotten about Li Ying by
the end of the week, but on the Friday morning, I woke up with a start. I had
not even told Cao Ping about this Mainland girl whose mother could not
afford to feed her daughter. When I got to school, Cao Ping was already in
the grounds, waiting for me to arrive. Her father had had to go to work early,
and would not be able to pick her up after school, which meant that we
would be able to ride the bus home together.
I made the most of our time together and told Cao Ping about Li Ying and her
mother. Cao Ping’s expression was one I had never seen on her before. I had
thought she would also be interested in this young girl who did not have
enough food to eat, but she was silent. When I asked her what was wrong,
she said nothing.
By lunchtime she had still not said anything to me, but when I went up to her
to see if she wanted to head out to get something from the market, she gave
me a smile.
“I am sorry Fu Yun – I thought you…” She broke off.
I was still confused by her behaviour, but suddenly it hit me – she was
jealous!
“No Cao Ping. Never.”
We both smiled and held hands as we went to the market. Xi Ghong had
given me some extra money in the morning so I bought Cao Ping some satay
pork and rice. Since our return from Hong Kong, we had not had this kind of
freedom to be together and as we were also out of eyesight of our teachers
and other classmates we talked and smiled until we had to get back to
school.
Cao Ping could not get out of going home immediately after school, but with
her jealousy subsided she gave me her blessing to help Li Ying and her
mother. As we rode the bus back in to the heart of Chinatown together, we
talked openly and smiled. It was as if we were both normal children – albeit
temporarily – and we forgot our problems for the moment. For a few brief
minutes, we were once again both children without a care in the world.
We got off the bus together and walked through one of the many food
markets towards Cao Ping’s home. Whereas I was not going to go too close
to her apartment, I did want to maximise the amount of time we had
together, so I went as far as I dared. From a distance I saw Xi Ghong and I
knew he had seen me as well, but within the blink of an eye he had become
engulfed in the wave of people in the bustling marketplace.
After saying goodbye to Cao Ping, instead of feeling sad and alone as I
usually did, I felt as happy as I had in a long time. I could see from the smile
and from her eyes that Cao Ping felt the same way. My spirits were high as I
went towards the temple in the Dragon Gardens, and despite getting caught
out by an afternoon shower, I felt at ease by the time I arrived.
Dusk was coming, the clouds were thick overhead, and it was going to be
another warm, wet evening that Singapore is famed for. As I entered the
temple, the pungent smell of incense overcame me and I knew that I would
thank Buddha today for the happiness I felt. As I bowed before the golden
statue of Buddha, incense sticks in my hand, I silently went through my
ritual, a part of me wondering if I was showing my gratitude enough, another
part of me knowing that this feeling would not last. But I was thankful for all
of the times that Cao Ping and I could be together and I did my best to
convey this to the effigy of Buddha in front of me.
After I had finished my prayers, I turned around to leave, and was a little
startled at seeing Li Ying there, looking at me and smiling. We greeted one
another and I asked her how her mother was doing, and was very pleased to
hear that she felt a little better. Li Ying also had more colour in her face, but
was still visibly weaker than she should be.
I was a little sad that I had not been able to visit once more, but Li Ying said
she understood. I told her of my friend Cao Ping and talked probably more
than I should have, but I didn’t think that Li Ying was a person I had to worry
about.
On the way back to Chinatown, I asked if Li Ying and her mother had food to
eat. Although she said they had, her eyes told me they were hungry, so once
again we went to the market and bought some fish, rice and vegetables. Li
Ying’s gratitude was evident but I knew that I had to get back home, so I
could not go with Li Ying to her home. I was glad that she could eat though.
As I got home, Mei-Lee was finishing preparing our meal, with Xi Ghong
sitting in his chair, acting as though nothing had happened. I smiled at him,
but did not talk about our sighting – in case I said something wrong.
Obviously Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee had cleared some of the air between them
whilst I had been at school or at the temple, and the cold air that had been
between them the previous day was replaced by the usual calm. Dinner that
evening was spectacular, even by Mei-Lee’s standards, and I got the
impression that Xi Ghong had given in to her demands – dinner was her way
to thank him for acceding.
As we were eating, Xi Ghong said to me: “Fu Yun – be careful with Cao Ping.
Her father still does not like you two to be together.”
I told him that I only went as far as I dared and that I would not get too
close to her home. Xi Ghong replied that if he saw us together then it was
also possible that Luo Xian Sheng could some time. He repeated the warning
for me to be extremely cautious. Deep inside me I knew that he was right,
and I felt sad in my heart to know that I could lose out on seeing Cao Ping
once again.
Within a few weeks I had introduced Cao Ping and Li Ying, and the two girls
had become instant friends. I suggested to Cao Ping that Li Ying should come
to school to study with us, but Cao Ping reminded me that Yishun was a little
far out for her, and besides it would be difficult for her to be taken in by the
school as it was a well respected school. I reluctantly accepted this, and Cao
Ping and I fell into silence, both thinking the same things, both wondering
what we could do.
Some days the three of us would go to the market together and find
something small to eat before going home, but mainly we would go to the
Orchid Gardens and sit either on one of the banks or on the grass, talking
about things. Very often, Li Ying got left out although we did our best to keep
her involved in the conversation. But although she was undoubtedly
intelligent, Li Ying did not go to school – and was instead out looking for food
for her mother during the day. Hers was definitely a life so different to ours,
but Cao Ping and I knew the importance of education – after all, it had been
drilled in to us on many occasions!
One afternoon, as we sheltered to avoid another rain shower, I asked Cao
Ping if I should approach Xi Ghong about helping Li Ying. After all, he had
influence in affairs in Chinatown, and might be able to find a school for her.
Cao Ping thought this was a good idea, but also said that we needed to speak
with Li Ying first. I felt embarrassed that I had not thought to talk it over
with Li Ying myself, and scolded myself inwardly. Cao Ping smiled as she saw
me, and suggested that she should ask her first, and if Li Ying said she
wanted to go to school then I could approach Xi Ghong. I felt it was
incredible that we could find solutions like that – it seemed at times like this
that there was no problem we could not overcome together. My heart
radiated warmth for Cao Ping and I felt very happy inside.
A few weeks later, our class took a trip on a ferry from Singapore to the
mainland of Malaysia, in to the southernmost city – Johor Baharu. Although
there was a bus journey available, the teachers decided to give us a special
treat and take us across the Johor Strait by boat. Taking in a trip around the
town, we visited the impressive mosque as well as the blue-roofed museum,
the British colonial influence plainly visible. The town was completely
different to the hustle and bustle of Singapore and seemed a lot more
relaxed. It was also visibly less developed than the world we were used to,
and a lot dirtier. Living in Singapore means not throwing trash on the streets,
not chewing gum and not smoking in public places, but this was not the case
just one hour's drive from the Republic we lived in. It could have been a
different planet for us.
Memories of the conditions in Hong Kong flooded my mind and I could almost
hear the voices of the Vietnamese children and smell the camps they were in.
I did not want to get emotional, but could not help it, and I wondered if Cao
Ping felt the same. She was with a group of her friends, and seemed to be
enjoying herself. If she did notice, she certainly was no showing it.
There was a museum in the central part of the town, the Royal Abu Bakar
Museum, showing relics from the Sultan of Johor, and the small tour around
took us just an hour, but it still seemed like an eternity. I was so wrapped in
my own thoughts that I did not even realise that I had seen some of the
most valuable artefacts from the pre-British colonial era.
After leaving the museum, we visited the mosque dedicated to Abu Bakar
that was built in 1900. We were split in to male and female groups, and
given separate tours. All the girls had to cover themselves completely, and
everyone had to take off their shoes. It was absolutely huge and we were
told that over two thousand worshippers accumulate there for Friday prayers.
Despite being in my own deep thoughts, I could not escape the vastness of
the mosque, nor could I fail to be highly impressed by it.
Lastly we went to the old Chinese Temple - Rou Fo Gu Miao. I was finally able
to escape in to prayer to the gods, but there were many children who did not
respect the silence. Teacher reprimanded the trouble-makers and the temple
once again became calm. I wished I could have had more time there, but I
was not able to as teacher started to tell us about the history of the temple
and how it was one of the few buildings in the town to escape being bombed
during the second World War. It did seem to have an aura that was all its
own and I felt that the temple was protected by the gods. As I made my final
bow with the incense, I asked the gods who had protected the temple to look
after Cao Ping, Li Ying, Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee.
As we ate at Pasar Malam I got to talk quickly with Cao Ping. Thankfully for
us, a couple of the other children were taking advantage of being away from
a school atmosphere, so teacher did not notice us sitting together at all. For
once I was grateful for the other children being around.
Cao Ping had been with her friends all day and had tried to glimpse over in
my direction occasionally, and she reassured me with her smile. With that
smile, all my worries dissipated. She told me that she had really enjoyed the
trip over to Malaysia, and walking around the town of Johor Baharu. She had
wanted to talk with me at the temple, but saw that I was in deep prayer and
so did not want to disturb me. I was grateful for that as well. Even though I
would always have time for Cao Ping, my prayer time was becoming ever
more valuable to me.
We started talking about Li Ying. Cao Ping had been doing some research and
had found a school closer to our homes in Chinatown that would probably
accept her. She wanted to talk with Li Ying to find out what level she would
start at, but we were both worried about her mother. There was no way that
Cao Ping’s parents would accept houseguests and we just did not have space.
We did not know how to help but I said I would ask Xi Ghong. He would know
for sure if there was something we could do. We laughed at the irony of
Singapore being portrayed as an ordered society, but there were many
cracks that were quite simply pasted over. But at least there were always
solutions there – Malaysia was not so lucky in our opinion.
As we rode in the bus back across the road bridge back in to Singapore I felt
very lucky and blessed to live on the peninsular. Without doubt life was a lot
easier there than across the border and despite all the problems that Cao
Ping and I had to endure there was a lot more poverty so close to home. I
wondered why Malaysia did not follow the same system as Singapore. It
seemed strange to me, but my train of thought was not allowed to come to a
conclusion as the bus arrived in Chinatown. Most parents were at the bus
stop as we came to a halt, and Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee were both waiting for
me. I was not expecting that and I looked at their faces for a sign of their
mood. I did not see any unwelcome signs and thought that I was in the clear,
although I could never be sure! Cao Ping’s parents were also there and I was
relieved that she and I had not been sitting together on the bus. I realised
why that was – teacher had been told to keep us apart and Cao Ping’s father
was there to make sure that his demands were adhered to.
For a moment Xi Ghong and Cao Pings father’s eyes met. Luo Xian Sheng
was the first to break off that eye contact and I felt that a minor battle had
been won. I thought perhaps Cao Ping would have it a little easier for a short
while, but we had experienced more than enough times a change in attitude
and temperament from Cao Ping’s father.
As darkness fell quickly over the newly built skyscrapers of Singapore, Xi
Ghong and I headed back to our home, walking through the night markets to
get some vegetables and meat for supper. It seemed to me that Xi Ghong
was trying to make up to Mei-Lee and the irony of that situation did not
escape me for a minute.
We entered the apartment and the pungent aroma of beef in black bean
sauce surrounded us and my mouth began watering. Mei-Lee’s beef dishes
were one of the delights of Singapore life, but she would rarely cook her beef
and black bean sauce, with half-cloves of garlic and lots of onions. For many
of the Chinese she made it too salty, but for me it was better than any dish I
had ever found in any restaurant across Singapore. I got the feeling that
perhaps sometimes I had more of a western taste than my Chinese family. It
was yet another one of those small things that made me feel like I just did
not fit in anywhere.
Xi Ghong did not enjoy the food as salty as I did and I felt that Mei-Lee had
made the meal that way more to annoy Xi Ghong than to make me happy. I
did not know at the time what the two of them had agreed on, but the calm
from the previous evening was not quite as prominent. The meal was eaten
in relative silence, the only noise coming from our chopsticks clinking on the
porcelain bowls.
After a while, Mei-Lee asked me about the trip to Malaysia and so I told her
all about the boat trip and the sights we had seen in Johor Baharu. I did not
realise it until Xi Ghong spoke, but there was a sadness in my voice.
Although I would usually talk through things with a passion, and although I
did enjoy the day across the border, I did not talk with my usual verve.
“What is troubling you Fu Yun?” Xi Ghong asked.
I fell silent. This was a question I did not want to answer. I knew what the
problem was as soon as he had asked me, but the memories of Hong Kong –
I did not want to talk about them. But the thoughts continued going around
my mind, as they would for many years to come.
"I am fine Xi Ghong," I murmured.
After school one day, when Cao Ping had been picked up by her father, I took
a walk to see Li Ying and her mother. She had become healthier and her
mother finally had some colour in her face. She was also gaining weight and
had been eating well since the previous time I had seen her. I felt happy that
their situation was improving and knew that Cao Ping would also be pleased
to hear this news. I really wanted to find out if Li Ying wanted to go to
school, to study, to learn. And I had had another idea – I thought that Xi
Ghong could perhaps help her mother to get a job. With his influence in
Singaporean society, I felt sure that he could find something.
But I was fearful not to instil them with too much confidence and hope. I was
not certain that I could actually get anywhere – so far, all I had was a
handful of ideas. A potential plan was building up inside my mind, but had no
guarantees. If they counted on me so soon and I let them down, then I
would have that on my conscience. I started to say something, but stopped. I
really did not know how to say what I wanted to. How I wished Cao Ping had
been there to help – she was always so good in talking with people. Finally, I
spoke to Li Ying’s mother.
“Yang Tai Tai,” I said, “I have been thinking about Li Ying. Cao Ping and I are
worried for her – we both go to school, we both learn, but Li Ying does not.
I…we think that perhaps we can help to get her a place at school here.”
Li Ying’s mother looked surprised.
“I also will try to help you find a job, so that you can feed Li Ying.”
I saw no other reaction from Li Ying’s mother, so I looked over to Li Ying
herself for some support. If she did not help me, I thought I was going to
flounder.
“Mama,” she said. “I would like to go to school.”
Li Ying’s mothers look softened. There was a look of compassion and love
and understanding now in her old, wrinkled face. There was almost a sparkle
in her eyes, and I got the feeling that this was something that had been
missing for a long, long time.
Li Ying looked at her mother in hope, and I felt that she was desperate to
finally fit in to society. Perhaps a spark of jealousy flowed through my body
at that time, but I was also very proud of her because she had grown and
become stronger in the short time I had known her. I also knew that a small
part of this was down to Cao Ping and me.
Her mother, finally, said that she would think it all over. It was better than I
had hoped for.
Cao Ping and I made plans. Li Ying’s mother had not said no and that was
the start we needed. If we could put some ideas to her, with a clear direction
of what could happen if Li Ying went to school, and especially if we could find
a way for Yang Tai Tai to make a living, then perhaps we could get ideas
flowing inside Li Ying’s mother. Back at school, whenever we could, Cao Ping
and I would discuss how we could best solve this problem, but I knew that I
needed to talk with Xi Ghong. However, I had some doubts as to whether or
not this was the right time to talk it over with him, especially after recent
events. I did not want to cause any further rifts between him and Mei-Lee.
Once again, I felt the need to talk with Cao Ping about everything. I hated to
rock the boat inside my family and although I knew perfectly well that I had
to involve Xi Ghong, if we were going to be able to help Li Ying’s family, I
also needed Cao Ping’s support and reassurance that I was doing the right
thing. In many ways, I felt insecure about my life, and Cao Ping’s opinion
always mattered to me. However, there was also a desire inside me to tell
Cao Ping everything that ever happened in my life – after all, she was the
only one who really cared about me, and I was not going to let that change –
not if I could help it anyway.
It was several days before Cao Ping and I could actually find time to be
together alone. There were many tests going on and I was spending as much
time as I could in studying for them. My schoolwork was suffering a little
without Cao Ping’s constant assistance, and Cao Ping also was having
difficulties in concentrating. Her family life, I could see, was disintegrating,
and her father’s moods were becoming more and more unpredictable. She
could never tell from one day to the next how he would react to a certain
piece of news. Cao Ping told me that on some days he seemed to be
completely oblivious to what anyone ever said inside the Luo household. She
also told me that it looked as though her father was going to be spending
more time in Hong Kong and perhaps also in Mainland China. Her mother did
not seem to be taking this news well – she was used to the family being close
together all the time, and did not like the idea of her husband being away for
long periods.
The additional pressure of her home life was difficult for Cao Ping, and there
were many times when she seemed distant, her thoughts making her
isolated, as if she were in a different time and space. Everything seemed to
be difficult for her – and made my own issues seem irrelevant in comparison.
I spent most of my time wondering how she coped and would regularly be
found after school in the temples, offering prayers for her, lighting incense
and trying my hardest to get good spirits to look over her.
Despite me being with Li Ying more often, Cao Ping was never out of my
thoughts, and her current family issues were a source of pressure and stress
for her. I never spoke with Li Ying in the same way as I would with Cao Ping,
and it was difficult to speak with Xi Ghong or Mei-Lee about her situation. I
knew what Xi Ghong would say, and Mei-Lee would always suggest I speak
with Xi Ghong, although her recent revelations to me were an interesting
development. Perhaps she was getting closer to me as I grew older, but also
perhaps this was just her venting her anger and frustration. I did not want to
find out which one was correct, so I had no choice but to look inside myself
and via prayer to Buddha for the answers, which seemed to be locked away
from me.
Patience had never been one of my strong points, but I felt that I had been
very patient with the gods and spirits in the temples. Everything in my short
life had been fought for, although I did not realise at that age that life had
been short. I did not understand what I had done to deserve it all. I saw so
many other children whose parents were very rich and would spoil all their
children with presents, or shower them with affection, and just about
everyone fitted in and was accepted. There was such a lack of patience inside
me, a lot of anger and a great deal of jealousy as well. I just did not
understand why someone like Cao Ping – a girl who was truly special in
everything she did – could not have the love and appreciation from her
natural parents. I realised that Xi Ghong and Mei-Lee were not my biological
parents and they had explained to me my family background, so whereas I
did not understand everything they had told me, I did comprehend the
differences between my situation and that of Cao Ping. Why two people
would not love and cherish a daughter who excelled intellectually, who did
everything they ever asked for – with the one exception; being my friend –
and who would make any other family proud, I could not comprehend.
I would always go to the temples and try to ask the spirits why they had
chosen such a life for Cao Ping, praying to them to show both forgiveness
and compassion to her. During the monsoon season I would be drenched
running from school to the temple in the warm, hard rain, yet I would hardly
notice it. I often reflected that Xi Ghong had taken me to the temples many
times and had instilled this ritual inside me. Occasionally I would wonder
about Buddhism as a religion – because I never felt that I was being heard
by the spirits. I sometimes even felt that the spirits were rejecting me as
well. I knew instinctively that I had to fight this feeling of the world being
against me, but there were moments of weakness where opposing the
depressive state was practically impossible.
I knew that I had to fight the depression and anger that was inside me, and
that the frustration was another hurdle for me to overcome if Cao Ping and I
were going to be able to be close friends. It was a difficult task for a child,
but Xi Ghong had taught me well and I understood the ways of the world a
lot more than perhaps most of my classmates.
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